Saturday, August 28, 2004❤ qUeStIoNs
9:13 PM
i closed my eyes. the rusty blade of the penknife is pressing hard into my skin. even the slightest pull is going to split my skin open. i wonder why i am doing this to myself.. my emotions recently hasn't been very stable.. hopefully this slash will answer all my questions..
sometimes, i really don't understand how she feels, or i should say most of the time. why did she have to withdraw her face. not that i'm desperate to kiss her, it's not as if i've not kissed anybody before.. i want to know her feelings towards me. but what she says doesn't tally with her actions at all. "i am already treating you as half of my boyfriend" but just what is she thinking. i am so afraid, afraid that she's only playing around with my feelings, which i don't think is the case; or did she told me those lies in order not to break my heart.
you said this before, "it's not easy to find 2 persons who truly likes each other" so why aren't you accepting me? i may have been such a flirt before, so much that even other schools are aware of my reputation too. :( but it is something so long ago, now i don't even look at other girls. i just wanted to find a partner who treats me good and take care of her. don't i deserve the chance?
i can feel something between us but i also feels that she keeps rejecting the feeling. i really don't know what she is thinking. she can be calling me 'honey' and another guy 'sweetie' at the same time. *sigh* i am not getting jealous. well, but i don't go around calling girls 'darling' or 'sweetheart'. although we are RATHER close, i often wonder if i'm the only special one who's so close to her, or she would PLAY till such an extend with her other friends also..
..i opened my eyes and lifted the penknife. no blood. what's left is just the fine mark caused by the pressure of the blade. my hands are trembling away, i didn't have the courage to do it..